The Unsaid Words

My day at office was the same. I understand that 10 to 6 office was getting monotonous and was not my cup of tea. But destiny took me here! I badly want something to scoop me off this predictability of weekdays and weekends. So as ritual I am heading for a walk at the beach. It sets me free, the waves and sound convey life isn't that bad.

While crossing the traffic signal leading to the beach I encountered him. I don't know if I ever wanted to see him or not, but there he was, calling my name, and waving at me to stop. I looked back at him and said a cold ‘Hi’. The expressions on his face said that he left no stone unturned to find me. He said, 'I want to talk to you, can you spare sometime’. We never had a formal break-up. I suddenly went into hiding and all he could do was to flood my mailbox with apology notes, expecting that I will reply.

I met him some five years ago, at a bungee jumping expedition organized by my college. The trip came as a dose for my craving of Adventure sports. I just cannot resist the thrill and excitement that comes with adventure. I was a few hundred foot above the ground. My friends were scared, but I was not. Adventure and thrill is in my blood. I love the intoxication of unpredictability, of the speed and the height. I was ready for it, the instructor briefed about the safety equipments, the posture I am suppose to maintain while jumping off and while hanging like a pendulum in between the sky and earth.

The instructor directed, there you go, 1… 2…. and 3…and I jumped with open arms to embrace the air and release myself to an infinite view. It is like diving deep into the air, and I could not stop to utter a loud Wow! The view was exhilarating and I felt like a bird, freely hanging in between the infinite sky and a never ending valley. I kept screaming of joy and excitement. The swings were tickling and got me goosebumps. The ecstasy of hanging got me laughing non stop!

Suddenly the knob tied to me slacked. I realized I was hanging on one knob and the other one broke! Everything came to a still, the excitement disappeared and I was shivering with fear. The thrill of speed at which I jumped was slowing as everything around was unhurried. I lost my balance and felt like a bird with an injured wing.

I shouted loud in the air, 'pull me up, the knob is broken'. I kept repeating the words, without caring if anyone is listening, or asking something, may be the instructor made an attempt to calm me down. But I was unfazed, I just wanted them to pull me up fast. I was restless and kept swinging across. Surely my restlessness was hindrance in the rescue attempt, but I was not willing to listen. Pull me up fast, I shouted back and realized someone’s saying with an effective voice, 'calm down everything will be fine.' The moment I heard it, I knew I was alright. Everything will be fine and I was calm. Within a matter of seconds I was pulled up.

My friends came to comfort me, but that was not required as I was alright, I was just okay, nothing happened to me. I looked up and I saw him standing right there, his voice kept echoing as he asked to me, are you alright? And offered me some water. I am Dhruv, the organizer of this trip. I looked up and I felt like slapping him and giving him a good lecture on importance of safety at such trips, as I just went through it, I had all the reasons to debate that adventure trip organizers should not be ignorant about safety.

What if the other knob broke? - which did not happen

I could have fallen into the infinite valley! - but nothing of that sort happen, I was pulled up safely

However I was fuming with anger, and the people around could make that out that. He politely said, I understand you must be angry, but such accidents can happen anytime, we took every precaution to ensure that you are pulled up safely. We have all the security equipments at place. My reply was, Ok! Well I am fine. Thank you! A blunt reply from my side and he made a move.

Later I forgot about the incident, and cherished the pendulum swing that I had at the bungee. Few weeks passed on smoothly with a rocking college life, and I went to celebrate my birthday at Eatopia. I was with my best of friends. As decorum, the Chocó Truffle cake was not meant to be eaten, but to provide a skin gloom therapy to my face. I just hated it, but friends will be friends! You can’t get angry at them. I made a move to the loo to clean up my face, while my friends were digging into the rest of the cake. I opened the door of the restaurant to head to the loo and here he is again, that guy that jerk, the organizer of that oh so awesome bungee trip!

And he said hi!

I replied hi, his gaze kept me hooked to him, and he smiled to say, it seems today is your birthday! Well yes, was my prompt reply!

Hey I just forgot your name, I said.

He replied with his distinct voice, I am Dhruv. And I hope you are no more angry with me, and I am sure that you enjoyed that jump?

Nice meeting you Dhruv, I am Vidushi. Am not at all angry, I cherish that day!

Nice meeting you too and happy birthday Vidushi, he replied.

I said, I have to rush to the loo, will be back in a while, why don’t you join us here? He seems to be in a rush and said, will catch up some other day. We shared our numbers, and we went our ways.

The moment I reached to the loo, an sms came on knocking, it was Dhruv, wishing happy birthday, and his treat is due! I replied, thanks sure, just tell me when you can spare time for the treat. We planned to meet the next day.

He got a big bouquet of white roses and a Chocó Truffle cake. I could make out that he was genuinely sorry for something that I don’t blame him for. That was just an accident and could have happened to anyone. We did not head for any restaurant and preferred staying in his car. That was a beautiful day, and it became a daily affair. We use to meet everyday after my college and spend time that use to run really fast. He as an entrepreneur was not answerable to anyone and had a perfect life. Besides he had all the time for himself and of course me! Everything he did just showed how much he cared and wanted to be with me, and I too wanted him to be around.

I will be passing out of college this year and I will certainly go for some entrepreneurial venture. I have many business plans in mind and I am sure Dhruv will be around. It’s been more than two years that we have been together, as friends, but we were meant to be more than friends. I loved him and knew that he loves me too, but its just that none of us have the courage to say this.

It’s his birthday and we were celebrating. He was upto something and my intuition said that he is going to say those golden words. But he was not that happy as he always was,. I could make out that he was scared of me saying no,! but for what he knows that I like being with him. I feel protected and cared for when he is around. We celebrated his birthday and while our way back, he said to me that he wanted to talk about something. I knew what that was about, and he pulled over the car.

See Vidushi, its not that easy to explain, as we both have enough understanding of each others feelings (I thought that he would pop in those words but he was still sad). Vidushi I have to go from Delhi and I may not contact you ever. This is the last day of our meeting, and our story ends here. While my mind kept saying he is lieing, please tell me that you are joking Dhruv, I was shouting from a non-vocal frequency.

I was numb, and kept looking at him till I realized that he was not bluffing. Dhruv I can come along with you, my college will be over, and we can be together. Please don’t say that as I cannot live without you!

He got restless and was rude while he said, I cannot explain you the entire story, and I have a big time opportunity to work across globe. I will be traveling and will live like nomads may be throughout my life and I do not wish to carry a burden of a long distance relationship with me.

The word 'burden' came as a big pain and I did not care to listen to him. I just stepped out, with a tough face, hired an auto and left. He did not stop me; I changed my number and did every possible thing to forget him. I knew that I can never love again. As his thoughts kept bugging me I took up a job in Mumbai.

Now back to present, we are sitting at a coffee shop. He started the chat; I tried contacting you, and dropped in many mails. I just wanted to convey that I am sorry. I did not go anywhere, but just tried finding you.

I kept quite, avoiding his presence.

He went ahead with his long apology speech, which I did not want to entertain. But still it feels good to learn that someone who did not respect your feelings, called being together a burden, is finally apologising.

He said, I know I did not value both of ours feelings. For the past three years I have been trying to find you, contacted your friends, but no one knew about your whereabouts. I love you Vidushi, I should have said this long back, but, I now realize my fault and we can be together. I am sorry for not saying those unsaid words.

Dhruv's speech went on for hours, but nothing seemingly convinced me, I kept numb. The day was different today; I was getting a cold heart, and could not take more of apologies. My only words were, I have to leave now.

He said he will not go unless I give him an answer – which implicitly should be to forgive him. But an answer to grief and sorrow of years can’t come instantly!

I know he was confused with unclear philosophies of life. But life is just simple and clear. No one should live life as a fable of confusions and philosophical lock-ups. Admit when in love and take it as a beautiful chapter to sort out issues. Living is no rocket science, its a simple biological mechanism, everything else is confusion!

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